Ghetto Wine and Cheese Tasting Party!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anarchist wrote a great blog the other day about saving money.  It was so good that I went to my bank’s website to check out my balance for my savings account and what I saw made me sick to my stomach.  I don’t have enough money to be considered poor.  I am in that brand new economic class of uber poor.  So I have decided to get my hustle on by hostimg the first annual eehard wine and cheese tasting party. Admission is $5 per person.  I will also accept food stamps or a high school lunch ticket. 

 

  As majestic as the cascading waters of a drain pipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 wine company in Westfield, New York.  This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark.  MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called “Mad Dog 20/20″.  You’ll find this beverage as often in a bum’s nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink.  This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn’t stop any bums from drinking it!  Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside.  Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with novocain.  Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster.  Avaliable in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full “Red Grape Wine” flavor packs the 18% whallop.
 
     Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape.  There is also a new “Blue Raspberry” flavor with “BLING BLING”.  Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of 5%.

 

 

  Cisco is bottled by the nation’s second largest wine company, Canandaigua Wine Co., in Canandaigua, NY and Naples, NY – the same company as Wild Irish Rose.
 
     Known as “liquid crack,” for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila.  Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine.  The label insists that the ingredients are merely “citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color,” but anyone who has tried it knows better.  Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common.  Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants.  Nudity and violence may well be involved too.  Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, “It’s not bad at all, I like it.”  But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later.  And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.
 
     In 1991, Cisco’s tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label (above right).  The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, “Takes You by Surprise,” even though it was entirely accurate.  Read the FTC’s full investigation on their own web page at this link.  Since those days, Cisco is harder to find outside the slums, although the FTC’s demonizing of the drink only bolstered its reputation for getting people trashed.  Anyone who overlooks the warning and confuses this with a casual wine cooler is going to get more than they bargained for.  Cisco will make a new man out of you.  And he wants some too.
 
     Our research shows that Cisco is actually the second best tasting of the five great bum wines, especially if you’re having one of those hankerings for cheap Vodka, Jello and Robitussin.  We must also note that Cisco is the best of all 5 bum wines at putting the darkest and puffiest bags under your eyes.  The nuclear-tinted color of “Cisco RED” is reminiscent of diesel fuel.  Most Cisco flavors are named by the fruit flavor that they are trying to emulate, but the one picture is simply called “RED.”  This chemical disaster will get your head spinning in no time.  A test subject reports, “Strawberry Cisco has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation.”  The sticky, sickingly sweet taste with a hint of antifreeze really comes through in the repellant taste of Cisco.  Avaliable in various flavors, 375 mL and 750mL sizes.  Down a whole 750 mL and you had better be ready to clear your calendar as you suffer through Cisco’s legendary 2 day hangover.

  The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose from Ireland.  Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in Chanadaigua, NY, the same company as Cisco.  Like its brother Cisco, “Wild I” definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium.  Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the republicans to kill the homeless.  Bums ask a liquor store clerk for Wild Irish rose by saying, “gimme a pint of rosie with a skirt,” a skirt being a paper bag.  Some don’t want it cold either.  It’s called “wild” for a good reason, and bystanders should beware.  Wild Irish Rose is sure to light a fire of drunken rage in your soul.  A guy named “Richards” is mentioned on the label.
 
 
     A helpful viewer named Carl wrote an email directing our attention this web page that claims that “Richard’s Wild Irish Rose (named after his son, Canandaigua’s current president Richard Sands).”  The “White Label” variety of this beverage is definitely a hard wine to come to terms with.  ”White Label” smells like rubbing alcohol, and has no added flavoring to mask its pungent taste and noxious odors.  Avaliable in 375 mL, 750 mL, and a 50 oz jug.
 
 
     Field reporter “Greyham” brings us this report:  Here is Wild I’s devastating new addition, “Wild Fruit with Ginseng”.  I’ll be honest with you: the normal Wild I has turned into some sort of fierce energy drink gone wrong mixed with the original to create a bumworthy migraine-inducing concoction.  I purchased a 750 mL which goes for 3.99 and a 375 mL which goes for 2.59 (at least here in FL).  Word on the streets here is that the bums are wary of it.  I talked to a couple that said they’d prefer to “stick with what’s tried and true”.  Apparently they haven’t accepted it yet as the real deal.  As for me, I drank the 375mL on a semi-full stomach and was just ruined by the stuff.  The flavor retains it’s same potent Wild I nastiness but has a whole new bouquet of fruity flavor added as well (potentially aimed at bums of the female persuasion).  Upon completion of the 375, I was thoroughly inebriated and found myself honestly wondering where my next fix of the stuff was going to come from.  This scared me so I immediately started drinking water….here’s the best part.  After that relatively small bottle, I didn’t piss until the next evening despite drinking copious amounts of water.  There is DEFINITELY something in this stuff that dehydrates you…possibly the “ginseng” or whatever it is that they added to this already foul stuff.
 

Thanks to BumWine.com for product reviews and thanks to the USDA for its generous donation of chesees.