The Gummy Bear Kama-Sutra!

Filed under: Humor and Satire, sex , Comedy News, Gummy Bear Kama Sutra, Gummy Bear KamaSutra, Gummy Bear Sex Positions, Gummy Bears

Don’t Cry For Me In Argentina!

How fucking pathetic!  Not since Mike Tyson emasculated himself in that infamous interview with his former wife Robin Givens, have I ever seen such a sorry excuse for a man.  Mark Sanford of South Carolina is a joke.  I could barely contain my laughter when the ‘Luv Gov’ stated that he spent “the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”  What a crock of shit!  Move over Evita.

The one thing that really troubles me is that the state’s largest newspaper had obtained the Governor’s private emails between himself and his Latina lover and had been sitting on them.  It’s a good thing they did.  Here is a sample of the Lothario’s romantic rants:

“Got back an hour ago to civilization and am now in Columbia after what was for me a glorious break from reality down at the farm. No phones ringing and tangible evidence of a day’s labors. Though I have started every day by 6 this morning woke at 4:30, I guess since my body knew it was the last day, and I went out and ran the excavator with lights until the sun came up. To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the back ground, the tranquillity that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds – and getting to build something with each scoop of dirt.”

Those South Carolina boys really know how to woo the ladies.  He should resign immediately, not only because he has condemned this type of behavior and has called for prior miscreants to resign,  but because his assault on romanticism cannot go unpunished.

After having a full day to digest everything, it appears that the Governor may have been set up.  That is why he was forced to conduct an ad hoc press conference instead of releasing a statement.  Who released his emails to the press and leaked what time he would be arriving at the airport will probably be answered soon.  I almost felt sorry for the man as he cried and the children behind him mugged for the cameras.  But then I thought that if you have to fly to another continent to get a piece of ass, you don’t deserve my sympathy.  It’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

Filed under: Politics, Society, sex , Gov Sanford, Governor Sanford, Jenny Sanford, Mark Sanford, Mark Sanford Affair, Mark Sanford Press Conference, Politics News, S.c. Gov. Mark Sanford, Sanford, Sanford Affair, Sanford Airport, Sanford Argentina, Sanford Atlanta Airport, Sanford Missing, Sanford Story, Sanford Story Questioned, Sc Governor

DOMA & DADT!

There has been a lot of bitching going on in the gay & lesbian community lately over the lack of swiftness in which President Obama is addressing their issues.  I say shut the fuck up!  It’s not that I am not sympathetic to your struggle for equals rights; but can Bo get housebroken first?  Can the Man get a handle on the economy, the two wars we are fighting, and health care first? Which I think is just slightly more important than repealing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) or overturning Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT)?

For the record, I think DOMA and DADT are two of the dumbest things those idiots in Washington have ever enacted.  I have two questions.  First, what the fuck does the Federal Government have to do with marriage?  How they managed to get around the fourteenth amendment and the equal protection clause escapes me as does the necessity for the act in the first place.  The homophobes that voted for this shit should have been policing themselves.  While these so called macho, wife fucking only, man on top, women on the bottom, lights off, and door locked Christian Republicans were wasting our time with bullshit, their rank and file were busy trying to fuck teenage boys, tap dancing in airport bathrooms, *patronizing hookers, and screwing the wives of the people who worked  for them!

What is really perplexing is that if marriage is so sacred as these windbags claim it is,  then that makes DOMA rather superfluous.  The sacred, if it truly is, needs no defending.  It stands on its own as an institution and doesn’t need to be propped up by an utterly useless and discriminatory law.  And if we need laws governing marriage, then that makes it a social contract between the parties and that is a business partnership.  The only possible reason that it could be considered sacred is that the ceremony is performed in the church while the actual contract is signed when you get your marriage license at the county courthouse.

Secondly, isn’t DADT just equivocation on the part of the military?  Nobody is asking and I don’t think that anyone is going to tell but if you get caught bending over in the shower, your packing up your bags and going home.  Since DADT was enacted, over 12,500 soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines have been discharged by the military for homosexual behavior.  Can’t they catch them before they enlist?  I mean, if a recruit is asking about working as a hairstylist or if there is a theatre department, it is a good chance that you may want to say no!.

I have no problem with gays & lesbians serving openly in the military.  However, I would wait until after the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq cease combat operations.  The military often takes the lead involving social issues and I think that it would set a huge precedent once DADT is over turned.  However, as a veteran I feel that now is not the time to change the staus quo.  There are more pressing issues that have to be dealt with first.

*The Associated Mess in no way either condones or condemns the patronizing of hookers!  Rush Limbaugh’s comments are his own and do not represent the views of the Associated Mess.

Filed under: Politics, sex , homosexual, barack obama, gay marriage, homosexual marriage, don't ask, don't tell, doma, dadt, defense of marriage act, gays & lesbians in the military, federal employees

Life On Mars… Is Gay! Supernews!

Filed under: Humor and Satire, Society, sex , homosexual, gay marriage, homosexual marriage, current.com, supernews, mars

Viewer Alert!

more about “Viewer Alert!“, posted with vodpod

Filed under: sex , msnbc, morning joe, bill o'reilly, media matters, Mika Brzezinski, willie geist, soft porn

Gay Penguins! Fakename Clued Me In!

You can’t even go to the zoo these days and escape the vast homosexual agenda.  Gay penguins?  You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.  I am absolutely positive that the penguin God, just like his human counterpart God made all penguins heterosexual.  The one question that I can’t understand or answer is what made a perfectly straight man wake up some morning and say “Today seems like a good day to go suck some dick!”  And furthermore, what makes a male penguin with the mental capacity of a well, er, a penguin say “Damn John, Mike has some sexy ass flippers don’t you think?”

We all know the reason for homosexuality in humans is that old television show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. But as far as I know, penguins do not watch television.  So what makes them gay?  Could it be that homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom is a natural occurrence?  If so, could the argument be made that it is also a natural occurrence between humans who have not watched Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? One could further deduce that if homosexuality is a natural behavior in the animal kingdom, then man, the greatest of all animals would also be susceptible to this behavior and all moral judgments whether pro or con would be rendered useless.  But then again, animals eat their young, so this is a road I will not go down.

Who is the expert that can prove these two penguins are gay because they happen to share the same cave?  I’d call them roommates!  Batman and Robin shared a cave and I don’t remember anyone calling them gay except for Fredric Wertham, who touched on the subject  in his 1954 book Seduction of the Innocent.  I do not count the television series Batman because Batman and Robin were both unambiguously gay.  Speaking of crime fighters, read what these villainous gay penguins were caught doing.

This may be a new story for me but I thought that it was the male penguin’s job to hatch the egg.  Maybe Fakename will enlighten me in an upcoming episode of Fakename’s Animal Planet.  And for the record, those German Penguins are not the first gay penguins to pull off this feat.  Good old American Gay Penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo did it over five years ago and the story became a best selling childrens book And Tango Makes Three.  The important thing to remember here is that despite the birds so called sexual orientation, they took an abandoned egg, hatched it, and lovingly cared for the chick.  You think humans can learn something from penguins?

Filed under: Humor and Satire, Politics, sex , animals, batman, Gay Adoption, Gay Animals, Gay Penguins, German Penguins, Green News, Penguins, robin, seduction of the innocent

Air Sex Championships!

more about “Air Sex Championships!“, posted with vodpod

Because there is no limit to human stupidity and the fact that the Associated Mess has way too much time on their hands,  we introduce you the wacky world of competitive air sex!  Still not satisfied?  Well what else would you expect from air sex?  Try this other site!  Look forwarded to our next article on the much more enjoyable subject of tantric air sex!

Filed under: sex , air sex, championship

Love Land!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 This past weekend, The Chinese Government decided to raze a sexual theme park dubbed “Love Land.”  The park was to include giant replicas of human genitalia and workshops in sexual techniques including aids awareness and how to use condoms properly.  Based on a sexual theme park on Jeju Island in South Korea, many Chinese found the sexual nature of the park to be offensive, (see video clip at the end of the blog).

Here is an excerpt from the Guardian:

“Li Yinhe, an expert on sexual attitudes at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, said that in ancient times Chinese people had more positive attitudes towards sex. They became more ascetic during the Song and Ming dynasties, but this trend peaked at the end of the Cultural Revolution.

Since the 80s that had reversed, she said, adding: “The fact that the park has been built shows the change and that open attitudes to sex are now mainstream.” One of her research projects showed that in Beijing the percentage of people having premarital sex rose from under 16% in 1989 to over 60% in 2004.

Li said that while disapproval of sex stemmed from religion in the west, in China it was largely rooted in a traditional focus on the family instead of individual enjoyment – leading people to deplore premarital and extramarital sex.

“But people will become more tolerant and have positive attitudes towards sex; for example, people [already] care more about female orgasm. I read a report saying in the west about 90% of women have experienced orgasm, but in China the number is only 28%,” she said.”

No fucking wonder that they are a bunch of pinko commie bastards.  They’re pissed off because they can’t; oh well, no need to go there.  I am just shocked that a country that can build a stadium that looks like a bird nest can’t even build a realistic looking ass with a thong.  I could do better with some macaroni, glue, and one of my niece’s Barbie dolls.

Filed under: sex , china, chongqing, communism, jeju island, Love Land, sex theme park, south korea