Senator McShame!


  This is blatant plagiarism but worth the read.  Thanks to Democratic Underground.

 Midnight on “The M Floor,” McCain Campaign Headquarters, Arlington, VA. John McCain is conferring with his closest advisers.

JOHN McCAIN: (putting on a stern face and speaking as if reading a teleprompter) Gentlemen, we have work to do. Here’s the situation. The enemy has scored big victories in the Middle East and Europe, and we are surrounded and outnumbered. We need to get on the offensive, and fast. The best defense is a good offense, right Rick?

RICK DAVIS: You got it. (gives McCain the thumbs-up)

McCAIN: I thought as much. Now listen, friends. What the hell are we going to do?

STEVE SCHMIDT: It’s simple. Karl Rove teaches us that in situations like this we must attack the enemy where he is strongest.

McCAIN: If only we had more troops. Damned deserters – (clenches fists)

DAVIS: Take it easy John, we’ll deal with them later. They won’t get away.

JOE LIEBERMAN: (jumping up and down in his chair) This is great! What can I do to help?

SCHMIDT: Er – how about grabbing us some coffee Joe, could you do that?

LIEBERMAN: Sure thing Steve! I’ll be right back!

(he leaves)

SCHMIDT: (clears throat) As I was saying, we must attack Obama where he is strongest. So where is he strongest?

McCAIN: The economy?

DAVIS: Health care?

McCAIN: Iraq?

DAVIS: Afghanistan?

McCAIN: Gas prices?

DAVIS: The environment?

(they pause to think)

McCAIN: Taxes?

DAVIS: Education?

SCHMIDT: (slaps forehead) I was thinking more along the lines of his popularity. You see, senator, you are, how can I put this, not that popular with the American people any more.

McCAIN: What? Since when?

SCHMIDT: I can’t recall exactly, sir, it was probably sometime between “make it 100” and “bomb bomb Iran.” Forget it. My point is that we need to take that uppi… uh, that guy down a peg or two. He’s way too popular.

McCAIN: That bastard. (wags finger at thin air) I see you, Barack Obama! I see your game! I used to be the one they liked. Me! And then you come along, Mr. Hoity-Toity High-and-Mighty, with your huge crowds and your winning smile and your good ideas! Bastard!

(McCain stares into space)

DAVIS: How do you propose we do this?

SCHMIDT:With a campaign ad. Here’s the pitch. Ad opens with a shot of two hundred thousand people cheering Barack Obama in Germany. We then cut quickly to pictures of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Voiceover: “He’s the biggest celebrity in the world.” We cut again to video of Obama waving and smiling, looking presidential, as the crowd loudly chants his name.

DAVIS: I’m really not sure about this –

SCHMIDT:– and the rest of the ad is just the usual BS about him being inexperienced and wanting to raise everybody’s taxes. The end.

(Davis considers the proposition for a moment)

DAVIS: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

SCHMIDT: I know, the media will love it!

(the door opens)

JOE LIEBERMAN: Did anyone want sugar?

SCHMIDT: No thanks Joe.

LIEBERMAN: You got it Steve! Coffee coming right up!

(he leaves)

DAVIS: (shaking his head) I dunno about this Steve. Won’t the visuals just make Obama look good? Plus I think Paris Hilton’s parents are donors to the campaign –

SCHMIDT:Ha ha! Yeah, sure. Nice try Rick. Next thing you’ll be telling me ole grandaddy Hilton donated $50,000 to the RNC. As if.

McCAIN: (coming around) – and I’ll follow him to the gates of hell. (smiles). What?

SCHMIDT:We were just talking about your new campaign ad where you compare Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

McCAIN: (immediately becoming crotchety) Hold on there my friends. From what I remember, I’m not supposed to be getting involed in shenanigans. I think I have it written down here somewhere. (pats pockets, draws out an envelope marked “Principles – Do Not Lose”) Ah yes, here it is. (opens envelope, takes out paper, puts on reading glasses, squints, holds paper at arms length) “Overheated rhetoric and personal attacks on our opponents distract from the big differences between John McCain’s vision for the future of our nation and the Democrats’. This campaign is about John McCain: his vision, leadership, experience, courage, service to his country and ability to lead as commander in chief from day one. Throughout his life John McCain has held himself to the highest standards and he will continue to run a respectful campaign based on the issues. We expect that all supporters, surrogates and staff will hold themselves to similarly high standards when they are representing the campaign.” Didn’t you write that, Rick?


SCHMIDT: (interrupting) Words, sir, just words. The media barely cares about what the campaign said last week, let alone four months ago. It won’t be a problem.

McCAIN: And another thing, up until recently, didn’t I refer to myself as a celebrity on my very own campaign website, which would open me up to charges of rank hypocrisy?

SCHMIDT: (appearing slightly frustrated) Well we can easily delete that. I’m sure nobody will notice.

McCAIN: And a third thing – won’t this ad just make me look like a desperate political hack, lacking in ideas, and out of touch with the people?

SCHMIDT: (getting angry) Dammit, sir! Do you want to be a maverick all your life? Or do you want be president?

McCAIN: (sullenly) President.

SCHMIDT: I can’t hear you, Senator! Do you want to be a maverick, or do you want to be president? You can’t have it both ways!

McCAIN: President!

SCHMIDT: That’s better. Now why don’t you take a nap while Rick and I get started on this ad.

(they leave)

(McCain nods off)

(the door opens)

JOE LIEBERMAN: Coffee is served! Hello?




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