Remember back in the late 1980’s when Life Alert first came onto the scene? I used to laugh my ass off at the old lady, seemed like her walker got a flat tire and she took a rather nasty spill. Of course, the hook was Mrs. Fletcher screaming, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” That was some funny shit back in the day until last Tuesday. Last Tuesday, while trying to come back into the house after smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone, my foot clipped the small step up into the living room and I fell awkwardly to the floor and sure as hell, I could not get up. That shit was not funny.
I was very fortunate that my nephew was here at the house and he helped me up and helped me to get into the bed. A lot of fucking good that did. I have had broken bones in the past and let me tell you that the pain for original sin is not that of child birth but rather that of a middle aged man snapping his tibula and fibula from two bones into four.
The only thing more humiliating than hurting yourself is trying to explain to the hospital staff what exactly happened. “What happened sir?” “What the fuck do you think happened? I fell!” “How did you fall sir?” Like everyone else dumbazz!” “Have you had anything to drink tonight sir?” “Am I on trail here or can I get something for the pain?” “I’ll get you something sir.” Then the asshole disappears for forty-five minutes.
In the meantime, while I am on the stretcher writhing in pain, two nursing assistants who were in the final week of a three week work online course from No Health Care Univeristy tried to apply a splint to my poor leg. Nevermind I had yet to be given anything for the pain. What really irritated the fuck out of me is that these dumb fuck ten thumb nurse wannabees kept asking me how I was feeling. I refused to give them the satisfaction that i felt like one of Michael Vick’s underperforming dogs. And just when they had finished putting the splint on my mangled leg, here comes the obese nurse with the phony sympathy and a syringe as large as a grain silo. The morphine did have a calming effect and before you knew it I was back in the waiting room waiting on a ride home. But that was only the beginning of my day. Part two coming soon.