I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up! Part Two.
One should never be discharged from the hospital and be high on morphine at the same time. A perfect example of this is that when my ride showed up at the emergency room to take me home I tried to get up out wheelchair without the benefit of my crutches. I thank the orderly who kept me from even making a bigger ass out of myself. Had he not been there, I would have been a serious candidate for Tallahassee’s first face transplant surgery.
The funny thing about having my accident on a Tuesday evening is that when I eventually made it to the emergency room Wednesday morning it was practically deserted. So I was in and out in less than two hours. I am grateful that I didn’t go in on a Friday or Saturday evening where I would have had to take a back seat to all the emergency room visitors with implements stuck in their heads or all of the Lucy Ho buffet eaters mistakenly having heartburn instead of a heart attack.
Anyway, I finally made it home and attempted to crawl into bed. I was too tired to read the discharge paperwork and missed the prescription for Percoset. And did I ever need it. No sooner than I lay my head on my pillow and begun to drift asleep, my mother stuck her head in my room saying “Get up! It’s time to go to the doctor.” All I can remember saying was “Mommy, I don’t want to go to school today!”
Now, here is where the day started to suck big time. The orthpedist’ office informed me that I needed to bring a copy of my x-rays with me. The only problem is that the assholes in the emergency room did not give me any x-rays when they discharged me which meant another trip to the hospital and another dollar to get out of the garage. We made it back to the emergency room and what I thought would be a five minute wait turned into a 45 minute ordeal. My mother went in to retrieve the x-rays but due to hospital efficiency, the x-rays had been transferred to Radiology which is in another part of the hospital. Now, anybody familiar with TMH knows that it is easier to get your driver’s license renewed talking to a stuttering Indonesian Department of Motor Vehicles clerk than it is to find any part of the hospital from the emergency room.
Once she got to the x-ray area, the hospital staffer spent 30 minutes trying to get my x-rays onto a cd. For whatever reason, the moron was unable to complete the task. Meanwhile, after reading that day’s edition of the Tallahassee Democrat for the third time, I realized that the morphine was wearing off quite rapidly and that my horoscope for the day predicted more pain. I wish that I had gotten that prescription filled first. And when did the Democrat go from fifty cents to seventy-five cents an issue? The conclusion coming soon.