The Drugs Don’t Work!

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I’ve fallen and can’t get up!  The conclusion.

I finally made it to the Tallahassee Orthopedic Clinic and not a moment to soon.   Of course I expected to be whisked away into the back and be seen immediately.  Shows you how much my dumb ass knows about the inner workings of the medical industry.  I was given a clipboard and told to fill out every form.  No problem I thought until I sat down and saw that I was filling out the equivalent of the Encyclopedia Britannica.  I am thoroughly in favor of treatment first and paperwork never.  Obama, you’d better hurry up with that H.I.T. shit.

As I mentioned earlier, the morphine shot I received at the hospital was wearing off and the pain was beginning to become unbearable.  In fact the pain was starting to beat me up so bad I thought that I was dating Chris Brown.  But there is such a thing as man code and man code simply states that we will not show pain or let anyone know how much pain we are in.  And besides, it’s not as if I was going to get another shot at the clinic.

 But I did suffer the same humiliation as I did at the hospital as the staff tried to determine how I was injured in the first place.  There mere fact that I was walking through the house and heard and felt my bone snap was not good enough.  I wanted to tell them that we were taking shots of Patron and were platform diving off of the bathroom vanity into that bathtub just to get them to shut the fuck up!  Finally satisfied or disgusted they went about removing the splint the hospital had placed on my leg.

I spent the next twenty minutes completely identifying with King Tut.  Although the boy king was unaware that he was being mummified, I wished for nothing more than to be dead as they wrapped the cast around my throbbing leg.  How they can look at an x-ray and say set the foot at 45 degrees was amazing to me.  I was thoroughly relieved when they had finished.  They managed to put what felt like a 75 pound cast on the leg the size of a chicken drumstick.  The leg still hurt like shit but at least I’d be able to go home and get some sleep.  I was so tired I didn’t even feel like stopping yo pick up my percoset.  I got the percoset the following day and while it did temper the pain somewhat, it did not alleviate it altogether.  What kind of country do we live in where you can’t get a decent prescription for morphine?  I guess it was the clinic’s way of saying you should only dive into a pool!

 

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8 Comments

Filed under Humor and Satire

8 responses to “The Drugs Don’t Work!

  1. spencercourt

    Wow..a full leg cast! How long will that stay on?

    Hope the pain’s under control….I’m a real wussy when it comes to pain of any sort.

  2. eehard

    At least for another month Anarchist. When I go back they are talking about taking it below the knee and maybe trying some type of walking cast.

    The first few days were pure hell as far as the pain was concerned but I’ve since learned how to tune it out. The only problem I have is trying to get comfortable when I go to sleep. I think in a day or two I will have a post script blog to “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

  3. I’ve only been to the ER twice in my life, both for accidents, and what you say is so very true. Never mind that when the first person you see asks you how did it happen they write it in your chart for all to see. The next 15 people you see will ask again anyway. I finally started speaking in shorthand. When I cut my knee, it was “Fell”. When I cut my hand, it was “Glass broke.”
    Oh, P.S., never try to be macho about pain 🙂 You could end up with Tylenol or something. You know they always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, and I think there must be some scale of what you get based on that. Like, if he says “6”, he gets Percoset, lol.

  4. eehard

    Fakename, when I go into triage I always say the pain is a 9 on a scale of one to ten. That’s how I got morphine instad of a placebo. Some of the nurses are pretty cute so you have to cut down on the wimp factor even though you’re dying on the inside.

  5. See, ee, I think you’re using the wrong strategy there. A high wimp factor brings out the pampering genes in women. Okay, well, maybe not wimp factor, but you should strive for that “suffering bravely” thing.
    P.S. I still can’t believe they put the splint on your leg before they gave you anything for pain. That sounds like a medical practice developed at Gitmo.

  6. eehard

    I knew something was foul when the insurance lady whispered something into the nurse’s ear. 🙂 Twenty years of being insured, the only thing I used it for was the dentist. The most unholy thing you can say in a hospital is “I don’t have insurance!”

  7. You gotta have that cast on for a month?!

    Better move to California for that month, so you can sign up for “medical” marijuana! 😉

  8. eehard

    LOL… I am not admitting to anything but there is an ample supply of medicinal mary jane right here in T-Town!

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