Das Leg!

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First of all I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my mother, my family, and the black community in general.  You see, I have broken one of the tenets that the black community holds sacred.  There are two of them.  The first is:  Thou shalt not go outside ashy.  The second one is: Thou shalt not go out with skids in your underwear.  Breaking either one is enough to send your family into shame for generations.  But for journalistic integrity, I find it necessary to break the first to point out the hazards of a broken leg.

When I went to the headquarters of the Spanish Inquisition yesterday to get my cast replaced I had no idea of the shame I would bring upon my family.  For some reason, my mother decided to go to T.J. Maxx instead of coming into the clinic with me.  That decision saved her the embarrassment of the ashiness of my leg  and foot that would have sent a Dermatologist into orgasmic ecstasy.  I would have left with 20 prescriptions for eczema.

Fortunately, Torquemada whose name I have substituted to protect the guilty cut my old cast off with what i thought was a Poulan chain saw didn’t sever what was left of my leg.  I told him that I thought he was a sadist and he better give me a more comfortable cast or I would submit my bills to the Veteran’s Administration which meant that the poor dumb bastards would never get paid.  Just to show you how smart I was, he raised my leg like one more centimeter than he had too and I thought I’d never be able to have children again.  Not that I want any but he sure as hell showed me whose house I was in.

I sure hope that my nurse makes it through tomorrow.  I can’t stand the fact of embarrassing my mother another day nor can i stand the fact of sitting on that senior citizen bench with a loofah sponge.  I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with it.  Somehow I think she gets better tips from giving old geezers sponge baths.   I guess that if I have learned anything that it is not to break your leg during middle age.  And the moral of the story is that there is no moral to the story.  Watch where you are going and what you are doing at all times.  I might be able to deal with the ashiness but if I go out with skid marks, I may just find myself homeless…

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5 Comments

Filed under Humor and Satire

5 responses to “Das Leg!

  1. I’m amused that your mother decided to go shopping while you were being tortured 🙂 Maybe she just couldn’t stand to watch. And on the other hand, since there was nothing she could do to help, why not shop? I hope you get used to the new cast soon. Do you know how long it will have to stay on?

  2. eehard

    Nothing will keep my mother from going shopping unless something is happening to one of her children. I am still having issues with the cast and according to Dr. Frarnkenstein, 4-5 weeks in this cast.

  3. What about the itching? I had a cast on my arm for a few weeks when I was a kid and the itching drove me to become an anarchist!

  4. eehard

    Anarchist, I think of everything else but itching. If I did I’d drive myself crazy. But thank goodness for wire hangers.

  5. Wire hangers….damn, why didn’t I think of that?
    I just banged the cast…lol!

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