I am a firm believer in what I will call Human Spatial Dynamics. Now, I may be talking out of my ass but by this, I mean that every human being is entitled to his or her own personal space. If I can smell the garlic you had for lunch, you have invaded my personal space. If I can smell that you did not take a shower this morning than you are in serious fucking violation of my personal space. So it comes as no surprise to me that a couple of major airlines have decided to charge fat people that bubble over into the next seat an extra fare. I say that it is about fucking time.
To be fair, I have to admit that I rarely, if ever, fly anymore. Although the name on my ticket says Nick Hardy, I get treated like my name was Muhammad Akhbar. I’ve been pulled out of line so many times I can catch Greyhound and get to where I am going before the TSA has finished searching my luggage. The biggest hassle of my life is trying to put my Tims back on while juggling a carry on, a pocket full of change, keys, and a cigarette lighter which they inspect to make sure that it isn’t a laser to take down the plane.
Now, I stand six feet tall so I am already cramped lengthwise. The last thing I need is a fat person sitting next to me cramping me in another way. For the record, I equate morbid obesity as a disease, just as I equate homosexuality as being nature rather than nurture. They can’t help themselves but I don’t want to smell gravy during a three hour flight. Which is why I am impressed with the Canadian model of the airline providing the fat person with an extra seat at no charge.
But we live in America and ain’t shit for free. Unless of course you are a Wall Street Banker and the world is your oyster. But to make a long story short, I don’t want no fat person spilling over into my seat on a flight of any duration. It just isn’t right that I pay the same fare and have to suffer the indignity of someone’s breast hogging the arm rest. My memory may be faulty but i swear the last fat person I sat next to stole my peanuts.
I don’t understand why some rich fat person doesn’t start a Jumbo Airlines complete with buffet service. They’d make a fortune. But to show that I am as fair and balanced as Fixed News Channel, I’d also start an airline for black people who think that green plastic bags are the equivalent of Samsonite, Tumi, or Hartman luggage.