Mother Nature is a bitch! Ever since my mother found me in a cabbage patch, she has been trying to kill me. Never mind the fact that sometimes I aid and abet her. But the bitch is playing dirty this time. She has unleashed a new strain of flu that contains the genes of humans, pigs, and birds dubbed H1N1 or swine flu. That’s a bigger fucking mutation than all of the X-Men combined. Excuse me for a moment while I go wash my hands.
I just love my anti-bacterial soap. It just might save my life. And to think I’ve been waiting all this time on Jesus Christ and the 12th Imam to come back so I could die a terrible apocalyptic death in the midst of a sulfur thunderstorm. It’s much more comforting to know that I may be taken out by lesser species in the food chain. I guess it’s the pig’s revenge for Spam.
In other swine flu news, the country of Egypt announced today that it will slaughter all pigs inside its borders which is pretty funny to me since Egypt is a Muslim nation. I thought that if a Muslim got within a hundred yards of a pig there will be no Paradise or virgins in the afterlife. So my curiosity got the better of me and I googled “pigs in Egypt,” seems like there is a Coptic Christian minority that eats pigs. And that is funny to me also because I can’t quite put my finger on the exact scripture but I seem to remember the Bible says not to eat pigs in it somewhere.
And finally, because nothing reminds me more of swine than Michele Bachmann, let’s have a look at what the dumb bitch had to say about the swine flu pandemic.
I hate to break it to you Brainiac but that one happened on Gerald Ford’s watch!