Category Archives: Religion

A Call From Heaven?

Photo via Artizans

One reason that I know that Heaven does not exist is because of the lack of calls from angels using their cell phones from Heaven.  Now, they say that you can’t take it with you; however I know that there has to have been some enterprising brothers or sisters that would have taken their cell phones with them on that journey into the afterlife.  If not that, some poor misguided loved one would have slipped their i-Phone into the casket of their dearly departed in hopes of getting some late night tips to come on home sometime in the future.

But there haven’t always been cell phones.  So what is the deal with those in Heaven that don’t know anything about technology?  Well, I always thought that they would sneak into an office and use one of God’s land lines to call home.  Who amongst us haven’t made a long distance call from work back in the day?  You know, before cell phones were in vogue…  But, alas, the phone has not rung.

So today, I was really wanting to talk to my father.  He’s been dead for a long time now.  I just wanted to know if they had nightclubs and beer in Heaven. I dialed God’s phone number, Jeremiah 33:3 and asked to speak to Gomez, or Emory Earle Hardy Jr.  And wouldn’t you know it, I was place on hold and then transferred to an automated menu where I had to press one for Christian or two for Pagan…

For some reason that I will never understand, I was transferred to extension 666…. The voice went from an indifferent white woman to the voice of my long since departed father… He said to me, Nick, do whatever you want to do, but all of the interesting people that have ever lived, are all with me!

I am so going to extension 666….

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Filed under Humor and Satire, Religion

Miracle?

“There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

I have not always been the evil Atheist that some people make me out to be.  In fact, I was indoctrinated into religion at an early age by my grandmother Thelma Clarke.  Thelma, or T.C. as we like to call her, made it her business to see that her grandchildren were raised as good little Episcopalians.  Every Sunday, my brother, sisters, and I served Christ as acolytes, singing in the children’s choir, and attending Sunday school.

It was during these Sunday School classes that I was first introduced to the concept of miracles.  Dictionary.com defines a miracle as:  an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.  Supernatural is used usually as an euphemism for God.  Along my own personal journey through this short thing that we call life, I came to be a skeptic of miracles and the supernatural.  For me, logic and reason control my thought processes.  I have to be able to see and touch something in order to believe that it exists.  If you will, I need empirical evidence…

That was until today when Devyn walked across the threshold and I was able to touch him and hug him for the first time since his shooting.  It was in that instant that all of T.C.’s making me go to church came back to haunt me.  I was at once grateful for the turn of events that allowed Devyn to come home.  I am talking about the incompetence of his attackers and grateful for the angle of the bullet that entered his head.  Logic tells me that he is fortunate to be alive because of his will to live and the way that the event unfolded.

What I am having difficulty with is discounting the prayers and well wishes of all of you that have come to support Devyn and my family as we deal with this tragedy.  I can’t very well tell you to take your “God bless you and your family” and that “We are praying for him” and tell you to blow it out of your asses because I don’t know if it was that, in effect,  that saved him.

There is no proof that God exists or does not exist! I suspect that this argument will continue when we have all ceased to exist.  The only thing that I know is that when I saw my nephew today, I was overjoyed and filled with a feeling of love that I didn’t know that resided within me.  Was it just life playing  itself  out?  Or was it just a miracle?

Today, I don’t care what anyone believes.  Be it in a supernatural being or a miracle that brought Devyn home or a total act of randomness of the physical  universe is irrelevant.  I am a happy man!  This is a time for celebration.  Whether his being home is a miracle or just plain fate is a debate for someone who gives a shit.  And right now, I dont…

P.S.  While Devyn is growing stronger physically, we have yet to discover the psychological issues that he will have to deal with.  As always, the family continues to appreciate your love and support.  We will continue to update you with Devyn’s recovery!  Peace and love to all!

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Filed under Family, Religion

Children’s Guide to Growing Up: Religion from Ryan Naumann

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The Face of Jesus?

Last night, The History Channel aired a program entitled “The Face of Jesus.”  They attempted to create a three-dimensional picture of Jesus Christ using the image from The Shroud of Turin.  Of course the shroud is highly controversial.  Many would like to believe that it’s the cloth that was wrapped around Jesus’ body after his crucifixion.  Carbon dating, some experts believe that the shroud post dates the time of Jesus.  Look at the pictures and the video and then you decide whether or not it is Jesus.

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Catholic Sex Scandal! Or Leave No Child’s Behind.

As Christians get ready to celebrate, perhaps their most holiest of days, I am reminded of the resurrection of Jesus Christ and all that it entails.  Forgiveness of sins. Everlasting life for those who are saved through him.  And all of that is good if you believe in that kind of stuff.  But I wonder whether or not there is forgiveness and everlasting life awaiting those Catholic Priests that have raped and tortured innocent children over the centuries?

This ridiculous dogma of celibacy and not allowing priest to marry is denying man of one of his most powerful and basic instincts.  Priests need to eat also but I don’t see any edict banning the consumption of food.  The two rules were instituted for two reasons, first, to have sex with a woman was considered to make a man unclean and if you’re dirty, you really can’t serve God can you?  Secondly, and by far more importantly, the ban against marriage was to keep heirs from making any claims against church property.  Damn if the Pope was going to give up one of his golden candle sticks.

I am not qualified to comment on the psychological problems that these restrictions have on their actions.  But one could reasonably assume that by denying themselves of their basic needs could manifest some deviant behavior.  Now that this deviant behavior is coming into the light again and the Pope has been implicated in the cover up, you have more denials coming out the Vatican than a Republican Senator caught in an airport bathroom.  When the Vatican starts comparing the accusations against Benedict to Anti-Semitism you know the wheel is about to come off.  What’s even worse is that as an institution, the Catholic Church has a long history of Anti-Semitic behavior.

The only way to save what little integrity the Church has left is for Pope Benedict to resign and make public the names of all abusive priests and turn their names over to the civilian authorities.  They may also want to adopt the practices of the Eastern Catholic Church which allows their priests to marry.  The rape and torture of defenseless children must stop.  The Holy See needs to open his eyes and do the right thing.

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Homophobia!

I’d heard over the past few days about the prom being canceled somewhere in Mississippi because some girl wanted to take another girl to the annual rite of passage held in high schools every year.  I really didn’t think much about it.  That was until today.  I ran out of cigarettes and on my way to the store when radio host Michael Baisden played a clip of a phone call he received earlier in the day.  The gist of the conversation was something like this.   Caller:  The prom should be canceled because homosexuals are sick and diseased and need to be treated.  We, as Christians need to point out that this behavior is wrong.  Michael Baisden:  So as a Christian you have the right to judge people.  Caller:  Of course we do.  At that point I turned the radio off because I couldn’t tell that judgmental Christian to shut the fuck up.

I am on record for supporting gay rights.  As I’ve often said, what two consenting adults do is their business.  I don’t know what the age of consent is in Mississippi but that is hardly the point.  What great harm to society can happen if two girls decide to go to a dance together?  In the never ending argument of being gay is a choice or being gay is hardwired in gay men and woman I come down on the side of the latter.  No straight man wakes up in the morning thinking that he wants to go out and suck some dick.  The only exception may be if you’re a member of Congress.  And what is really troubling  for me that it is not only applicable to Republicans.

The American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit on behalf of Constance McMillen to have the prom reinstated.  I hope that they are successful in their efforts.  In trying to punish one student, the school ends up punishing the entire student body, both gay and straight.  To deny an entire student body of their senior prom is akin to interring all Muslims in this country simply because we are at war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  And this can all be attributed to one biblical passage in the BuyBull saying that if a man lays with another man then he should be killed.  That evil book also says that if a woman is not a virgin at the time of her marriage she should be stoned to death.  I haven’t read anything about non-virgins being stoned to death in my 46 years of life.

The bottom line is this… We face far more greater problems in this country than what people do in their bedrooms.  And those who are obsessed with what other people do in their bedrooms need serious counseling.  You won’t see me marching down the street in gay rights parades but you also won’t see me denigrating people for who they are.  I think the stats prove that 10% of the population is gay.  Last time I checked, God doesn’t have a wife.  Does He spend all of his time masturbating?  Or does he get down with Allah or Yahweh?

It’s only a fucking prom people!  Get over it!

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Filed under Religion, Society

Jesus Gets His Revenge!

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Filed under Humor and Satire, Religion