Category Archives: sex

Children’s Guide to Growing Up: Sex Video

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The Gummy Bear Kama-Sutra!


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Don’t Cry For Me In Argentina!

How fucking pathetic!  Not since Mike Tyson emasculated himself in that infamous interview with his former wife Robin Givens, have I ever seen such a sorry excuse for a man.  Mark Sanford of South Carolina is a joke.  I could barely contain my laughter when the ‘Luv Gov’ stated that he spent “the last five days of my life crying in Argentina.”  What a crock of shit!  Move over Evita.

The one thing that really troubles me is that the state’s largest newspaper had obtained the Governor’s private emails between himself and his Latina lover and had been sitting on them.  It’s a good thing they did.  Here is a sample of the Lothario’s romantic rants:

“Got back an hour ago to civilization and am now in Columbia after what was for me a glorious break from reality down at the farm. No phones ringing and tangible evidence of a day’s labors. Though I have started every day by 6 this morning woke at 4:30, I guess since my body knew it was the last day, and I went out and ran the excavator with lights until the sun came up. To me, and I suspect no one else on earth, there is something wonderful about listening to country music playing in the cab, air conditioner running, the hum of a huge diesel engine in the back ground, the tranquillity that comes with being in a virtual wilderness of trees and marsh, the day breaking and vibrant pink coming alive in the morning clouds – and getting to build something with each scoop of dirt.”

Those South Carolina boys really know how to woo the ladies.  He should resign immediately, not only because he has condemned this type of behavior and has called for prior miscreants to resign,  but because his assault on romanticism cannot go unpunished.

After having a full day to digest everything, it appears that the Governor may have been set up.  That is why he was forced to conduct an ad hoc press conference instead of releasing a statement.  Who released his emails to the press and leaked what time he would be arriving at the airport will probably be answered soon.  I almost felt sorry for the man as he cried and the children behind him mugged for the cameras.  But then I thought that if you have to fly to another continent to get a piece of ass, you don’t deserve my sympathy.  It’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.


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There has been a lot of bitching going on in the gay & lesbian community lately over the lack of swiftness in which President Obama is addressing their issues.  I say shut the fuck up!  It’s not that I am not sympathetic to your struggle for equals rights; but can Bo get housebroken first?  Can the Man get a handle on the economy, the two wars we are fighting, and health care first? Which I think is just slightly more important than repealing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) or overturning Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT)?

For the record, I think DOMA and DADT are two of the dumbest things those idiots in Washington have ever enacted.  I have two questions.  First, what the fuck does the Federal Government have to do with marriage?  How they managed to get around the fourteenth amendment and the equal protection clause escapes me as does the necessity for the act in the first place.  The homophobes that voted for this shit should have been policing themselves.  While these so called macho, wife fucking only, man on top, women on the bottom, lights off, and door locked Christian Republicans were wasting our time with bullshit, their rank and file were busy trying to fuck teenage boys, tap dancing in airport bathrooms, *patronizing hookers, and screwing the wives of the people who worked  for them!

What is really perplexing is that if marriage is so sacred as these windbags claim it is,  then that makes DOMA rather superfluous.  The sacred, if it truly is, needs no defending.  It stands on its own as an institution and doesn’t need to be propped up by an utterly useless and discriminatory law.  And if we need laws governing marriage, then that makes it a social contract between the parties and that is a business partnership.  The only possible reason that it could be considered sacred is that the ceremony is performed in the church while the actual contract is signed when you get your marriage license at the county courthouse.

Secondly, isn’t DADT just equivocation on the part of the military?  Nobody is asking and I don’t think that anyone is going to tell but if you get caught bending over in the shower, your packing up your bags and going home.  Since DADT was enacted, over 12,500 soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines have been discharged by the military for homosexual behavior.  Can’t they catch them before they enlist?  I mean, if a recruit is asking about working as a hairstylist or if there is a theatre department, it is a good chance that you may want to say no!.

I have no problem with gays & lesbians serving openly in the military.  However, I would wait until after the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq cease combat operations.  The military often takes the lead involving social issues and I think that it would set a huge precedent once DADT is over turned.  However, as a veteran I feel that now is not the time to change the staus quo.  There are more pressing issues that have to be dealt with first.

*The Associated Mess in no way either condones or condemns the patronizing of hookers!  Rush Limbaugh’s comments are his own and do not represent the views of the Associated Mess.


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Life On Mars… Is Gay! Supernews!

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Viewer Alert!

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Gay Penguins! Fakename Clued Me In!


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You can’t even go to the zoo these days and escape the vast homosexual agenda.  Gay penguins?  You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.  I am absolutely positive that the penguin God, just like his human counterpart God made all penguins heterosexual.  The one question that I can’t understand or answer is what made a perfectly straight man wake up some morning and say “Today seems like a good day to go suck some dick!”  And furthermore, what makes a male penguin with the mental capacity of a well, er, a penguin say “Damn John, Mike has some sexy ass flippers don’t you think?”

We all know the reason for homosexuality in humans is that old television show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. But as far as I know, penguins do not watch television.  So what makes them gay?  Could it be that homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom is a natural occurrence?  If so, could the argument be made that it is also a natural occurrence between humans who have not watched Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? One could further deduce that if homosexuality is a natural behavior in the animal kingdom, then man, the greatest of all animals would also be susceptible to this behavior and all moral judgments whether pro or con would be rendered useless.  But then again, animals eat their young, so this is a road I will not go down.

Who is the expert that can prove these two penguins are gay because they happen to share the same cave?  I’d call them roommates!  Batman and Robin shared a cave and I don’t remember anyone calling them gay except for Fredric Wertham, who touched on the subject  in his 1954 book Seduction of the Innocent.  I do not count the television series Batman because Batman and Robin were both unambiguously gay.  Speaking of crime fighters, read what these villainous gay penguins were caught doing.

This may be a new story for me but I thought that it was the male penguin’s job to hatch the egg.  Maybe Fakename will enlighten me in an upcoming episode of Fakename’s Animal Planet.  And for the record, those German Penguins are not the first gay penguins to pull off this feat.  Good old American Gay Penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo did it over five years ago and the story became a best selling childrens book And Tango Makes Three.  The important thing to remember here is that despite the birds so called sexual orientation, they took an abandoned egg, hatched it, and lovingly cared for the chick.  You think humans can learn something from penguins?


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