Tag Archives: alaska

The Sarah Palin Chronicles! Socialism!


“I told you so?”  “We’re on the way, heading towards Socialism?”  Glad to see that you picked up your debate talking points Sarah.  I mean you really did need to read something since your Katie Couric interview.  I thought is was so cool of Hannity to feed you softball questions whose answers you recite by rote.  And I know this topic is so last week since you’ve been so busy lately with your feud with David Letterman.

Lets see why Socialism is so bad why don’t we?  According to C. Bradley Thompson of the Ashbrook Center:

“Socialism is the social system which institutionalizes envy and self-sacrifice: It is the social system which uses compulsion and the organized violence of the State to expropriate wealth from the producer class for its redistribution to the parasitical class.”

What the fuck?  Just what class do the Wall Street bankers and Bernie Madoff fall into?  And I have yet to see the IRS Gestapo running into corporations and running out with large bags of money.

Lets see why Capitialism is so good from this same dickhead:

“Yes, there are winners and losers in capitalism. The winners are those who are honest, industrious, thoughtful, prudent, frugal, responsible, disciplined, and efficient. The losers are those who are shiftless, lazy, imprudent, extravagant, negligent, impractical, and inefficient.

Capitalism is the only social system that rewards virtue and punishes vice. This applies to both the business executive and the carpenter, the lawyer and the factory worker.”

What the fuck!  I’m starting to feel like Jon Stewart of The Daily Show.  Please tell me he didn’t use the words honest, thoughtful, prudent, frugal, responsible, disciplined, and efficient!  And isn’t that whole reward and punishment shit backwards?

So what does this have to do with the Wasilla Moose Maven and the state of Alaska?  Plenty!  For every dollar that the state of Alaska paid in federal taxes in the year 2005 (the latest year that statistics are available) they received $1.84 in return according to The Tax Foundation.  Want to get funky with earmarks?  According to Taxpayers for Common Sense, Alaska receives $506.34 per capita in earmarks while Arizona with ten times the population only receives $18.70 per capita.  Having John McCain as your Senator is a bitch Arizona.  This sounds like the redistribution of wealth to me.  I guess it’s not Socialism when you are on the receiving end.

You’d think that I’d be content to stop here but there is one other little issue to discuss and that is the Alaska Permanent Fund.  The 2008 payout to every eligible Alaskan, man, woman, and childs is $3,269.00.  If we count Sarah, Todd, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig their share of the free money comes to $19,614 for nothing more than being an Alaskan.  Sounds like a government handout to me!  Wouldn’t that put you into that parasitical class that dickhead talked about earlier?

Please go back to Alaska and disappear!  Read a fucking book! But most importantly, just shut the fuck up!



Filed under Politics

The Wasilla Hillbillies! Episode 2 “Racist’s Emails”










The name of our program will change with the third episode.  I was informed by a member of the Wasiilla community that the correct pronounciation is “Wasillabillies!”  In today’s episode we are informed that there are racist’s email being circulated through the Alaska State Email System.  Governor Palin has yet to denounce them proving she is not capable of providing effective leadership.

The first email making the rounds goes something like this on the election of Barack Obama to the presidency “Another black family living in government housing!”  How original!  I bet the moron that came up with this one stayed up all night thinking it up.

The second email making the rounds is entitled “Da Night Befo Crizzmus!”

Wus da night afo’ Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin’ and dey be sleepin’ damned good.

We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear ole Santy Claws, gunna brang us our check.

All of da family, was ly’in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend,
and my brother wif some hoe.
I dun passed out on da flow too,
right next to my baby’s maw,
when I heared such a fuss,
I thunk….”Sh’eet, it must be da law”.

I looked out thru da bars, to see what I’ze could see,

I  was spectin’ the sherrif, wif a warrent fo’ me.
But what did I see, made me say,
“Laaawd look at dat”.
dere was a huge watermelon,
pulled by 8 big ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha’s, got a black Santy
tonight. Faster than a poe’lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats,
as he called dem by name.

On Leroy, On Jerome, On Virgil, On Willy,
On Yolanda, On Crayola, On Kiesha, and Nefilly.
Ol’ Santy landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo’ sho’, da damnest thing I ever seed.

Dat black Santy didn’t go down no chimney,
he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, “Sh’eet…he don dis befoe.
He had a big bag, full of presents I spect,
wif Air Jordans and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just stated stealin my
shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my shit in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho’ woulda chased him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, dat son of a bitch.
So nex year I be hopin’, a white Santy we git,
’cause a black Santy Claws, just ain’t worf a shit

There is an Obama snowman song:

Obama the Snowman
Was a very scary soul
With a marijuana pipe
And two eyes made out of skoal
Obama the Snowman
Is a Kenyan they say
He liked his white nose snow
But the Americans know
How he stole their country one day

Then there is this:

Under a post entitled “Police prepare for RIOTS,” by one BarbaraJo, one concerned blogger named Tommygun responded: “For people in urban/Obama areas–do this now: 1. Stock up on some basic supplies–food, health and hygiene, water, etc. 2. Keep track of where your family members are. 3. Work up meeting points in your community for your family (different spots in town where members are to go if problems occur). 4. Check and prepare any weapons you may have.”

In response, a blogger named Johnny got more to the point:

“Well niggers will occasionally chimp out like this, am I right?”

While several Team Sarah members condemned that particular post, it’s remnants are still up on the web site.

Then there’s the probing political analysis you can find on Team Sarah:

“Funny thing, when voters are offered the chance, they always vote to ban gay marriage. What I really find hilarious though, is the gays supported Barry Obama in force. And yet, thanks to Barry’s “blackness” the negroes came out in force in California to vote for him! And negroes are pretty conventional when t comes to values. Most are rather conservative, which is why I can’t understand for the life of me why the vote for democrats.”

There’s also a lot of Michelle Obama bashing, too, where she is often referred to as “Bitchelle.” Take this current thread:

GaryP: This Obama worship has got to stop! Politico is now saying that since Michelle “gave up so much”, that she should get a salary as well! 
Biruta: She should be paid millions of counterfeit money, just as fake as her husband and as worthless as herself.

AmericanDog: Pay her the sum of $1.oo and then tax her at the rate of 53 % to appease her husbands new tax plans. And she would still be over paid…….

Ava M: I have never actually HATED anyone in politics before now….She is stupid, mean, power hungry, manipulative, corrupt, essentially ignorant–a poster girl for Institutionalized Black Racism and Agression, a take-no-prisoners warrior for Political Correctnes aka Socialist Realism and a racially driven Communist fellow traveller. Let her go run an African country. She doesn’t fit in here with the American People.


Apparently, she, like her husband, isn’t one of us. Sound familiar?

Then there was the musing about the Obama Inaugural, first reported in the Alaska Dispatch by its fine reporter, Amanda Coyne:

Wendell: I just can’t wait to see the Inaugeral ball… I heard the Presidential Waltz will be replaced by Barack and Michelle “Crumpin”. 
tami: I am sure michelle will dance like a horse

Wendell: followed by the new cabinet break dancing…

Christopher: Not trying to get too racial, but I have never met a black woman who could not dance.the 4th of july watermellon roll on the south lawn


Wendell: a 4-inch diameter Presidential Seal in gold hanging from Obama’s neck

Maybe we can sell Alaska back to Russia!  The Huffington Post contributed tothis post.

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Filed under Society

The Wasilla Hillbillies! Episode 1 “Hanging With Drug Dealers!”











I thought my days about commenting on Alaska Governor Sarah Palin were over until 2012, but those wacky Wasilla hillbillies just won’t go away.  Just yesterday, it was revealed that Bristol Palin’s baby daddy’s mama Sherry Johnston was arrested on 6 felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.  That’s pretty funny because where I come from that sounds an awful lot like “Drug Dealing!”  Today,  reports say that the charges stem from the misuse of the prescription drug Oxycontin.  Those are some pretty steep charges for a pill when the true drug of choice in Wasilla is Methamphetamine.

The irony here is that Sarah Palin is now guilty of paling around with drug dealers.  Surely Governor Palin has had Sherry Johnston over for dinner complete with moose chili.  After all, their shared grandchild will be born any day now.  This is a perfect example of shit coming back to bite you in the ass.  This is not my logic but rather that of Sarah herself.  Wasn’t she the one that accused Obama of paling around with terrorists simply because he sat on the same board of directors with William Ayers?


The real loser in the hillbilly fiasco is Johnston’s son Levi.  Having already dropped out of high school he is set to become a father and a husband.   According to media reports Bristol was the kind of person who, how can I put this nicely, was the type of person who walked around with a matress tied to her back.  I’d get a DNA test Levi before saying “I do!”  These same reports also indicate that Bristol as well her Brother Track were notorious boozers and stoners.

What have we learned here today?  That people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  Not only do you pal around with drug dealers Sarah Palin, you have raised alcohol and drug abusers, not to mention a thief of a son now in the army.  Hope you do a better job with the new grandkid!


Filed under Society

The Great Alaskan Turkey Massacre!










Filed under Politics

Osama bin-Laden Shocker!









In a daring attempt to salvage the 2008 election the McCain Campaign airlifted Sarah Palin into the mountainous regions along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border to find, capture, or kill Osama bin-Laden like he was an Alaskan moose.  Unfortunately for Palin, Allah intervened and converted her to Islam.

Al Jazeera has reported that Osama bin-Laden has taken Sarah Palin as his fifth wife.  In a statement that the Associated Mess has been unable to confirm, Palin said “The First Dude was okay but Osama is much maverickier! You know?  Like riding a snowmobile is way cool and such, but Osama lives in a cave, a real cave, unlike the Batcave and stuff.  And I can see Waziristan from the entrance of our cave!  You betcha!”

While all of this was going on, Allah’s older brother God was in human form playing skeeball somewhere in New Jersey wearing a McCain/Palin tee shirt.  When the word got to God what Allah had done to his most loyal subject, he immediately returned to Heaven forgetting to cash in his tickets for a pair of Chinese handcuffs. 

Citing older deity privilege, God left Heaven and went into Paradise where He gave Allah a real good talking to!  God then converted Palin back into his most loyal Christian warrior and annulled her marriage to bin-Laden.  Realizing that she was once again a Christian hating Muslim hockey mom; she unsheathed her K Bar slitting Osama’s throat and field dressed him in under ten minutes.

Kahless the Unforgettable, God of the Klingon Empire was so impressed He awarded her with honorary citizenship in the Klingon Empire!  When we tried to conact Mr. Worf for a comment, His spokesman replied that “Mr. Worf is on a prune juice binge and was unavailable for comment!”


Filed under Humor and Satire, Politics

Post Election Penthouse Spread!








I am pleased to announce that the Associated Mess has been nominated for 6 Pinocchio awards for fabrication of journalism.  While we are not standing by any story we write, we are not flat out denying them either.  We look forward to going head to head with the National Enquirer.  Let the best news organization win!

In another shocking development coming out of the McCain campaign, the Associated Mess has learned that Sarah Palin has signed an exclusive contract with Penthouse Magazine for a full spread, all done in the very best possible taste. 

One of our reporters caught up with her on the campaign trail and confronted the vice presidential candidate who confirmed the story by saying “You betcha, this hockey mom is going to milk my popularity for every nickel.  Todd can’t win the snowmobile race every year and I just might get impeached.  A girl has got to take advantage of every opportunity she gets! (Wink, Wink)”

The Associated Mess has obtained the proof sheet of some of the upcoming photos.  Rock on hockey mom!


Filed under Humor and Satire

Palin Goes Rogue!










Filed under Politics