On the night prior to appearing on Meet the Press, Joe Biden was at the Articulate and Clean Bar in downtown Washington, DC downing shots and drinking beer with a group of buddies. The verbose Senator and vice presidential candidate was telling the group his latest version of his life story that somehow, eerily mirrored that of Green Acres actress Eva Gabor.Leaving the bar, Biden stepped into a local drug store to buy a few toiletries since he was spending the night in town instead of taking the train home.Half drunk, he bought Miracle Grow plant food instead of regular shampoo.
Somehow the Miracle Grow had an adverse effect on his hair plugs and when he awoke the next morning he had a head full of hair and a beard.Undeterred, he made it to the NBC studio to tape Meet the Press with Tom Brokaw.Responding to Brokaw’s question on what it would be like in the first few days of an Obama Administration Biden replied:“Obama will be tested by God pitting Obama against the Anti-Christ in a 15 minute steel cage death match.He will not win it because he has steel in his spine but because I’ll be in his corner with holy water from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Catholic Church!”
On a commercial break, an operative from the Obama campaign took out a billy club and whacked Biden on the head knocking him out.In a press release the Obama campaign announced that the Senator was taken to Bethesda Naval Medical Center where he was being treated for exhaustion.However, our sources are reporting that he is being held pending an emergency haircut and a shave and will have his mouth wired shut until after the election!
The polling department here at Associated Mess is releasing a shocking new poll regarding Sarah Palin.While it is clear that Palin’s negatives are driving running mate John McCain’s Straight Talk Express over the side of a cliff.We are able to announce that young male masturbation is up 50% at campaign rallies not attended by McCain!Someone should tell those two boys that if they don’t stop it, they will go blind.
On a brief respite from the campaign trail, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin returned to Alaska to work on some unfinished state business.In an effort to reign in government spending she shot and killed state mascot Pinky the polar bear and turned him into a throw rug.She also fired Alaska’s State Division of Tourism Director Nuck Tuckaluck, the only Eskimo in state government. Ms. Tuckaluck was unavailable for comment as she barricaded herself in her igloo and refused to come out.Ms. Palin appointed herself to fill the position.
What went unmentioned in the discovery of Governor Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree is the $10,000 she spent at Victoria’s Secret.Associated Mess reporter ptfan1 talked to the sales associate Cacique Lacey who waited on the Governor.He reports that the Governor was quoted as saying “Wait until John Mc er Todd sees me in this!”
The Associated Mess has obtained a copy of Governor Palin’s first advertisement promoting tourism for the state of Alaska.This reporter is packing his bags now to go to Alaska.Poor Pinky, you died way before your time, but at least you did not die in vain!
Prior to tonight’s last presidential debate, the Associated Mess has uncovered shocking secrets that the McCain campaign is vigorously denying.
John McCain kicked off his 2008 presidential campaign in front of a local area Phoenix abortion clinic.After a lengthy set of remarks in which he reminded his friends that he was a P.O.W. no less than 69 times, Mr. McCain went inside for a quick tour according to clinic director Ms. Chlamydia Robinson.“Mr. McCain was vey engaged throughout the tour.” said MS. Robinson“He told me that if he was elected president that he would set up abortion clinics as a public service for the citizens of Iran.He also chuckled that it’s better to vacuum a future terrorist now than to gas him later on.”
We have also learned that before he was a Baptist and an Episcopalian he was an ardent Muslim with radical views.According to Pork Chop Mosque Imam Muhammad Greenberg, “McCain was too radical, even for us.Our biggest concern was with local graffiti artists spray painting the Mosque with ‘Jesus Rocks’ and ‘Turbans are for sissies’.”When pressed on McCain’s radical views Greenberg told our reporter “We all got a little tired of him repeating that Jesus was a Gook and that if he had nuts he would have strapped on a few grenades and taken a dozen or so Pharisees to hell! So we expelled him and encouraged him to become a Christian.”
The Associated Mess has also learned that John McCain did not serve as a fighter pilot in the U.S. Navy.Instead it was his long hidden Pakistanifraternal twin brother Rohn McCain.Through the Freedom of Information Act,Cub reporter E4BH discovered that during the Vietnam War, McCain was vacationing in Switzerland while brother Rohn was being tortured.In his now unclassified files, on his application to the Naval Academy there is clear evidence that someone used “white out” to cover the R with a J.It is reported that brother Rohn is being held against his will in one of the 37 properties owned by McCain in an iron mask.
In another shocking discovery, Cindy McCain is a clone.She accidently overdosed on prescription drugs while reading a Harlequin romance novel entitled “Weapons of Ass Destruction.”She was placed in a cryogenic chamber and shipped to the secret U.S. Agency for Reanimation (a part of the FDA).Samples of her DNA were merged with super charged stem cells and in a matter of days she was born and aged to her current self.To slow the aging process she takes an injection of red kryptonite on a daily basis. This information was provided by a former disgruntled employee who was caught on the job trying to clone crack.
All of this shit I just made up is true!My sources are listed below:
1.Philbert Smokes, former employee of U.S. Agency for Reanimation