News You Can’t Use! Being Black Edition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet Michael Steele.  He has just been elected chairman of the Republican National Committee.  Now, what I have suspected for quite some time is true.  White folks have lost their fucking minds.  It’s like happy hour for black people, buy one, get one free!  The Republicans must be suffering from some form of Negro envy that they had to go out and get one of their own.  Did they forget that they already have Clarance Thomas?  Nonetheless, I congratulate Mr. Steele on his historic selection and wish him nothing but the worst of everything.  Disloyal fuck!

In another historic first, check out Clayton Bigsby.  He is America’s only black white supremacist!

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Killer Peanuts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I woke up this morning I found a suggestion in my in-box that I look into the great peanut butter recall.  Here, at the Associated Mess, our food reporter pretty much covers the liquor industry.  If there is any damn salmonella found in booze, somebody is going to get fucked up!  I pretty much thought that the only way you get salmonella poisoning was eating chicken like it was sushi.  So my first order of business was to find out how salmonella gets into peanuts/peanut butter in the first place.

This is some pretty scary shit!  How in America, can something like this happen?  I’ve got a better chance of being killed going to the grocery store or a restaurant than anything Bin-Laden might have in store for me.  What’s even scarier is that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) does not have the authority to order a mandatory recall.  The company responsible for sending out their ptomaine peanut butter is voluntarily recalling their tainted products and for that, they are to be commended.  But they should also be held accountable for any deaths and medical exspenses.  And the CEO should be required to sample each batch of new peanut butter since obviously they have no quality control in place.

With the economy in a pretty fucked up state and getting worse, staples such as peanut butter will find themselves on the dinner table more and more.  I should know, tonight I plan to grill a steak fashioned out of the stuff!  Last time I checked, a porterhouse was in the same display case as a pair of Tiffany cuff links.  So where do we go from here?  And how do we keep our peanut butter safe?

The Associated Mess is suggesting that President Obama appoint former President Jimmy Carter as the nation’s first Peanut Czar.  Carter, a former peanut farmer will bring with him a vast knowledge and years of experience keeping Americans safe from the ill effects of tainted peanuts.  It will also keep him busy enough to stay out of foreign affairs and keep from writing books that paint Palestinian condominiums as a ghetto.

Wayne Brady goes Rogue!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of an Error!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being the president of the United States of America comes with many different titles.   The most popular are Commander in Chief and Leader of the Free World.  But there is one other title that has been conspicuously missing the past eight years.  And that would be Chief Law Enforcement Officer.  I guess that title got swept under the Oval Office rug as Bush and his gang of cronies violated the Constitution time after time.

President Obama has said that he wants to look towards the future and not look behind at the past.  As well he should.  The challenges that face us are enormous and he needs to expend his energy looking forward.  However, that does not entitle Bush and his friends a free pass.  That is why we have the Department of Justice (DOJ).  The mission statement from the DOJ reads as such:  To enforce the law and defend the interests of the United States according to the law; to ensure public safety against threats foreign and domestic; to provide federal leadership in preventing and controlling crime; to seek just punishment for those guilty of unlawful behavior; and to ensure fair and impartial administration of justice for all Americans.

Given that mission statement it is incumbent upon the DOJ to investigate to the fullest extent of its powers the alleged crimes of prisoner torture, illegal detentions, illegal renditions, and illegal wire tapping.  In America, no one is above the law.  That means that the president and all of those who make up the power elite in Washington should be held just as accountable as Pookie on the street corner selling a dime bag of weed.

I have very strong feelings that laws were broken by the upper echelon of our government during the Bush Administration and they need to be investigated.  And if warranted, those responsible need to pay the price for their misdeeds.  All errors eventually need to be corrected.   Especially those committed by the former Chief Law Enforcement Officer of the United States! 

Uphold the Voting Rights Act!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you think that by electing Barack Obama as president we have ushered in a new era of “post racial” politics, think again!  The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in the spring on an important provision within the Voting Rights Act.  Remember that important piece of legislation signed by Lyndon Johnson in 1965?  If you don’t, it eliminated shit such as literacy requirements and poll taxes.  Want to know something else?  It requires the reauthorization of Congress every now and then.  The last time Congress reauthorized the act was in 2006. 

 There is a particular provision within the Voting Rights Act known as Section 5 that is at the heart of the matter.  Section 5 requires some states and smaller jurisdictions to “preclear” new voting rules with the Justice Department or a federal court.  This is required to show that the proposed changes do not have the purpose or effect of discriminating against minority voters. 

Discrimination against against minority voters may not be as blatant as it was in 1965, but it still exists.  District lines are drawn to prevent minorities from winning (gerrymandering), polling places are located in places hard for minority voters to get to; voter ID requirementsts are imposed with the purpose of supresing the minority vote.

To clarify, Obama got only one  in five white votes in jurisdictions in southern states that are covered by Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act.  There is no reason to believe that minority voters will find it easier to cast their votes without the protections of Section 5.  Now there is a jurisdiction in Texas  that is covered by Section 5 arguing that it is unconstitutional, and that it imposes too many burdens on jurisdictions covered by it.

 To the Supreme Court’s credit, it rarely overturns precedents.  But the court as currently constituted, could come down to the vote of Justice Kennedy as the voice of reason.  Chief Justice Roberts and Associate Justices’ Alito, Thomas, and Scalia have already shown that they are chipping away at Roe vs. Wade.  Voting rights could be next.  Associate Justices’ Sptephens, Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer can be relied upon to uphold the status quo.

Now is not the time to be messing with legislation that has enfranchised a large segment of the American population

 http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/opinion/25sun1.html?scp=1&sq=voting%20rights%20act&st=cse

The Denzel Challenge!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay gang, Fakename has challenged me to list my favorite Denzel Washington movies of all time.  Now I know that I haven’t seen everything he has made and I had to check with my mother to see if he was the guy in the Police Academy movies who made all of those sound effects with his mouth.  After being called a dumbass and told not to call her again, I had to do a little research on this one.  For the record, my mother wants to be reincarnated as a pair of his boxer shorts.

1.        Without a doubt, the number one movie Denzel has ever made has to be “Crimson Tide” with Gene Hackman.  It was a good action/thriller movie but one particular line has stayed with me ever since.  In a scene during Captain’s Mess the officers of the boat were discussing war and Denzel as Lt. Cmdr. Ron Hunter stated so eloquently “In my humble opinion, in the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself.”

2. Malcolm X

3.  Philadelphia

4.  The Great Debaters

5.  American Gangster (Ruby Dee was magnificent)

6.  Training Day (Why does a brother have to be a crook to get an Oscar?)

7.  Glory (Why does a brother have to be a mad ex-slave to get an Oscar?)

8.  The Pelican Brief (Why doesn’t the brother get the girl in the end?)

9.  The Mighty Quinn (Why does a brother have to use a fakin’ Jamaican accent?

      10.  Mo’ Better Blues

      11.-20.  I still think he was the sound effects guy in the Police Academy movies!

Do You Feel Lucky… Punk?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to award shows and the Oscars in particular, I’d rather watch an Oprah marathon and that, in and of itself is saying something.  That’s because I’d rather be dead than watch Oprah Winfrey.  I have trouble with any industry that celebrates its self and the film industry tops the list.  The only time I even pay attention to it is when my mother asks me to print off the nomination list for her Oscar party every year.  When I glanced over the ballot and saw that Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino was not on the list I was pretty pissed off.

So I took a look at the movies that have been nominated, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – never hear of him.  Frost/Nixon – can’t we let Tricky Dick rest in peace?  Milk – don’t drink the stuff.  The Reader – is that about a librarian with super mind powers?  Slumdog Millionaire – I can’t watch a movie where the scenery is open sewers and the buildings are older than FAMU’s dormitories. 

I wondered what this Benjamin Button dude was all about so I goggled it and it’s a movie about a man born at the age of eighty.  Not much of a life span for you pal I thought.  But the trick is that he doesn’t get any older but younger.  I mean, does he die in a Petri dish when the sperm cell fights its way free from the egg?  Who comes up with shit like this? 

Anyway, now that Gran Torino has been snubbed in all the major categories I will boycott going to the theatre and wait on the bootleg dude at the liquor store.  In my humble opinion Eastwood has been one the greatest actors and directors in history.  I grew up on his spaghetti westerns but Eastwood really came of age to me in the Dirty Harry movies.  Who could ever forget the line “Do you feel lucky…punk?”

So in no particular order, here are my favorite Eastwood films:

1.       Million Dollar Baby

2.       In the line of Fire

3.       Heartbreak Ridge

4.       Dirty Harry

5.       Unforgiven

6.       The Outlaw Joesy Wales

7.       Pale Rider

8.       Space Cowboys

9.       Sudden Impact

10.   Firefox

The thing with Eastwood is you always know what you are going to get; an ill tempered tough guy with just enough of a soft spot that makes his characters likable.  I am positive that once I see Gran Torino it will rank somewhere in my top ten.  I do have to admit though; I wasn’t too fond of the fight movies with the orangutan.   It is a shame that Gran Torino will be his last on screen performance but I do hope that he’ll stay behind the camera as long as he can.

Political Shocker for Florida Hate Group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’ve got to love the Southern Poverty Law Center.  They do such a good job of identifying and posting hate groups across America that people like me, who hate “hate groups,” have an easy time of keeping up with the sleazebags and their activities.  However, if you’re a budding young Adolph or have your eyes set on becoming an imperial wizard, you’ve got the fucking yellow pages at your fingertips.   I was thinking about starting a hate group of my own against other hate groups but I didn’t want to end up on their website.  http://www.splcenter.org/intel/map/hate.jsp  Click the link to track groups across the country.

Anyway, Lwhit sent me a link today to a Florida based hate group called the Nationalist Coalition.  http://www.ncoal.com/   As I read the About Us section on their website, it was very apparently clear that this group has major issues with Jews.  These are the type of people that go to church and refer to Jesus Christ as “That One” because he was Jewish.  As I quickly bored with their nonsensical rhetoric I set out to find the Jews that they thought controlled the world.  And in a stunning development, I have found the said group.

But before I reveal this group I just want to say that I hope the economy starts to turn around very quickly.  Several high profile hate group leaders have indicated that as the economy continues to slide downward, interest in these groups begin to rise.  The last thing I want to see is a bunch of rednecks riding around in pickup trucks toting shotguns while suffering through Budweiser withdrawal.  We don’t need any synagogues or black churches defaced with swastikas and the “N” word.

It’s a shame that in the year 2009 that there are still rocks which these groups operate under. So without further ado, I present the Jews that rule the world:

 

Meet from left to right:  Anath, Batyah, Eyal, and Moshe.  They determine the fate of the free world every morning over coffee and bagels.  I was not allowed to publish their last names or location in fear that I may find myself inside a Hamas tunnel.

Lines in the Sand!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It never ceases to amaze me why America has such a vested interest in the state of Israel.  Maybe it is because America’s and Israel’s history have familiar parallels.  In America, white Europeans slaughtered and displaced millions of indigenous peoples on the basis of white superiority and the Christian notion of Manifest Destiny.  In Israel, hundreds of thousands of white European Jews immigrated to Palestine, under British rule, to escape the clutches of Adolph Hitler.  That, in and of itself, was a pretty smart thing to do.  But the Zionist’s were under the impression that they had a legal right to the land based on a promise from God.  And you know the rest of the story…

I could rail on about the oppressive Israeli government and I could equally rail on about the stupidity of Hamas and its delusional leaders.  For Hamas to claim a victory over Israel is akin to John McCain claiming victory Over Barack Obama.  So today, I heed the words of our newly elected president and will put away childish sentiments and thoughts.  I’ve tried to reduce the Israeli/Palestinian conflict to its lowest denominator.

These things are all ingredients to a successful peace between the two parties.  First and foremost, the equitable distribution of land must be returned to the original 1948 United Nation’s partition plan.  The Palestinian’s must accept the refusal of the right to return and that Israel has a right to exist.  A viable Jewish state must include a sizeable Jewish majority.  In return, the Jews must agree that Jerusalem is not its Capitol city and belongs to Palestine.  And lastly, the United States must end all military aid to Israel.

It’s a bitter pill that both sides have to swallow.  If not, the Palestinians will continue to live in poverty and misery.  On the Israeli side, they will always have to be their toes.  Human existence can be so simple.  Far too often we make shit harder than it has to be.  For two groups that are so intertwined and similar, they both better wake up and smell the coffee.  I shudder at the words of the late great Albert Einstein.

He said that “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”  Please!  Let’s not make him a prophet!  The conflict between fourteen million people is not worth the lives of close to five billion…

Condi signs with William Morris Agency! Plans Cleopatra Jones Remake.

There’s a reason why American foreign policy has been in the shitter the last few months. While Israel was bombing the shit out of the Gaza Strip and terrorists were shooting up the citizens of Mumbai, India, our Secretary of State was in secret negotiations with the William Morris Agency. Before Hillary Clinton found her office on the seventh floor at Foggy Bottom, Rice and her new handlers announced that Rice would star in a series of films based upon the popular 70’s character Cleopatra Jones, made famous by the late Tamara Dobson.

When asked by an Associated Mess reporter why see wanted to embark on a movie career after years of government service Ms. Rice replied: “Shit! Killing Muslims in real life was okay but it lacked the special effects of the big screen we are so used to seeing.” So you’re not going to follow the original storyline of eliminating drugs from the black community asked our reporter. Rice responded by saying: Are you fucking kidding me? What do you think is driving the economy right now?”

Our reporter followed up by asking for a brief synopsis of the first film. Said Rice: “Think of me as an Indiana Jones with hooters, and with more fire power than Dirty Harry, with the street sense of Shaft, and the temper of Dick Cheney. Basically, I just shoot the crap out of people and blow shit up. Be sure to stay for the stunning conclusion when I jump out of a tribal couscous pot wearing a burka strapped with C-4!”

In conclusion, our reporter asked Ms Rice what she would do if the film career didn’t pan out and she replied by saying: “I can always go back to Stanford and monitor the emails of those attending Berkeley. After all, it’s the central front on radical, fundamentalist students trying to obtain an education!”